My Little Tainted Love (Tentatively named)
by Spikamena
Summary: The notoriously insane Pink Assassin known as Pinkamena Diane Pie has eluded every Chief of Royal Guard & law enforcement officer in Equestria. Can the new Exemplar apprehend this felon & bring her to justice once & for all? Or will he succumb to her corruption just like his predecessors ? Comedy, Romance, drama, & hot moments. (Spike X Pinkamena) Contains heavy adult themes & clop
1. The New Exemplar

**Tainted love**

_Authors notes and Intro: This fan fic is being co written by two authors, Shadypegasister (Writing Pinkamena's point of view) and CarnalFlames (Writing Spike's point of view). It will contain, humor, drama, clop, smut, hot sex, random songs, deep moments and intensive story line, not to mention lots of romance. Rated M for intense adult themes. Based on Characters and situations created by Hasbro's My Little Pony Friendship is magic and further developed by the Brony Fandom and the 'Cupcakes' fanfic. Set many years after season 4 and further into the future than the series itself. (Spike X Pinkamena Diane Pie)_

So that everypony can enjoy this fic, All explicit clop chapters will be marked with *'s around them. You can choose to skip these and not lose the story line as any necessary story line will be reviewed in the chapter following. Hope everypony enjoys our adventures.

Brohoof to all! (Shadypegasister)

Chapter 1: The new Exemplar

Pinkamena Diane Pie heard the news via the local Ponyville Newspaper.

"A new Chief of the Royal Guard eh?" She told Rocky who was sitting in his usual spot in the corner upon his wooden stool, looking rather stoned as usual. Just a pile of rocks to the untrained eye, but to Pinkamena he was her best friend and co-conspirator on how to keep the magic of friendship 'alive' in her otherwise desolate and lonely world. You might wonder how a pony would meet such a friend. The truth is that one day he just rocked up and said hello.

Of course Rocky's idea's were less than conventional, as they involved the murder of said friends in order to keep their lifeless bodies around, stuffed and mounted on display but effectively never able to leave his pink friend's side as they had so often in the past. I suppose that's why most of her friends would tell her "Maintaining this friendship will be the death of me." While others just said "**Stuff** it, this friendship won't a**mount** to much." Of course, Pinkamena never wasted the internal organs. She always baked then into her rather famous and extremely tasty cupcakes using a secret recipe. It added new meaning to the phrase "What's eating you?"

"Here we go again," Pinkamena sighed. "It took me ages to convince the last one to turn a blind eye on Sugar Cube Corner and all its associated rumors and clandestine activities." She still had one of his eyes in a pickle jar in the fridge. "Looks like I'll have to negotiate all over again." She yawned slightly at the prospect of yet another corruption of a Royal Guard Exemplar, or possible assassination if the plan failed. Some plans just had a way of coming to a dead end.

_"Fear not" _the voice of Mr Turnip echoed in her mind. The voice appeared to be coming from a bucket full of turnips also on a stool. He looked a little pail but Pinkamena was sure his normal health would soon turn-up. One might wonder where she'd dug up a friend like that. He was certainly not your garden variety friend for a pony. You could say he stalked her. Both he and Rocky wore party hats even when they weren't particularly having a party. None of them ever questioned why, always believing the cache phrase 'Life is a party' and therefore constantly living in one. They both refused to take them off so I guess hat was hat!

_"You will succeed as always Pinkamena."_ Mr. Turnip continued, his voice echoing in her mind. _"You're very good at what you do. You can achieve anything."_

Pinkamena found renewed confidence in his words as she continued to read the article which talked about the sudden retirement of the previous Exemplar, commenting that he had finally 'snapped' and was now residing in the local insane asylum. It was said that he constantly repeated the phrase 'Life is a party' and refused to eat anything other than cupcakes. However the article reassured her that he wasn't suffering from insanity, he was enjoying every minute of it.

"They all seem to end that way" Pinkamena noted, having seen the cycle many times over. "You would think they could hold themselves together a bit better than that!" She told her four inanimate friends.

_"Not all of them are strong as you are, my dear"_ Madame Le Fleur commented in her beautiful accent. She was so soothing to listen to, her words like music to Pinkamena's mind. She appeared to be a sack of flour, also wearing a party hat, and perched proudly upon her stool. Once again, to any other pony she would just be considered baking material but to Pinkamena she was a confidant and mentor. If you're wondering how she became Pinkamena's friend, well: after sifting through a long list of options, she weavled her way into her life, having all the right ingredients for a recipe of wealth and success. She was the perfect friend to help Pinkamena raise some dough. Pinkamena had this friend in the bag.

"And I guess none of them have as good of friends as you four" Pinkamena commented, smiling at her un-moving friends. Sir Lintsalot said nothing simply grunting. He was just a pile of lint to most, but to Pinkamena he was the venom and fire that reminded her what losers her pony friends had been to not attend her party. Unfortunately, he would often say the same thing about her if she didn't do what the others expected of her. In this way he maintained her depressed state and kept her from becoming the bubblier Pinkie Pie; another personality of hers who lived in the same body. When Pinkamena met him she really had to a-dust her standards. It all happened when her clothes dryer broke, and she was lint another one. You might say the friendship got off to a clean start. There were many times he commented that he couldn't be fluffed with it any more but at the end of the day he proved to be an excel-lint friend to her.

Her four friends weren't really alternate personalities of hers as such; they were more delusions of her mind that she had created to help her cope with situations she was otherwise unable to. They weren't really part of her personality at all and the source of their existence was a mystery to all who knew about them. Psychosis is what Doctor Stable referred to them as. He felt they didn't really exist at all, except within the confines of a disturbed mind.

However, the Pinkie Pie side of her was most certainly another personality of hers and the two opposing sides of herself were oblivious to each other, not really remembering what the other one did. Pinkie Pie did not hear any voices, not even for a split second, and was blissfully unaware of any murders or crimes that Pinkamena committed. They both shared the same cutie mark, which could be considered a bit half-ass considering there were two of them.

One pony, with two opposing sides; you couldn't help but have divided loyalty when you met her but being the element of laughter, she was usually double the fun. Pinkamena often lived in her own little world, but that was ok because they all knew her there, whereas Pinkie Pie lived in a state of denial. She'd forgotten or lost many things, but she didn't consider her mind to be one of them. Thus was the insanity of this pony and many in Ponyville only knew of Pinkie Pie, completely unaware of the troubled nature of her alter ego. I guess that's what they mean by an altered state.

And that brings us back to this present day. As Pinkamena's four imaginary friends sat quietly on their stools waiting for the right moment to speak, Pinkamena read the rest of the article out loud to them.

"We are proud to announce the new Exemplar and Chief of the Royal Guard, to be none other than the trusted assistant of Princess Twilight Sparkle, her own dragon... Spike!" Pinkamena's jaw dropped. "Little Spikey is the new head of all law in Equestria! They grow up so fast." The picture in the article showed that Spike was far from little any more, having grown of age for a dragon, the equivalent to late teens. He appeared taller, still walking on his hind legs with muscles now bulging from his arms and chest. It seems that combat training had smiled favorably on the young dragon. He'd also developed two large wings which magically grew at a certain age for a dragon when they were ready to learn to fly. As an earth pony, Pinkamena was unimpressed by this. If anypony expected her to be, well that just wouldn't fly.

It was obvious Spike still had quite a bit more growing to do before he would reach his full dragon size, but from what little information Pinkamena knew of dragons, that could take centuries. "Looks like this will be a large scale operation" She jested, throwing out one of her many sarcastic puns at random.

She hadn't bargained on her target being a non pony; however she decided not to let that bother her. He was still a male and therefore should be fairly easy to convince. The biggest problem would, of course, be that he had a long term crush on her former friend Rarity that would be hard to break him away from.

"What's she got on me anyway?" Pinkamena questioned bitterly, looking down at her pink fur and her slightly plump frame. Despite the amount of cupcakes she consumed she still seemed to keep quite a curvy body for a pony even if it was just a little over weight. Unlike her other self, known as Pinkie Pie, she had learnt how to accentuate it at the right moment and to her best advantage.

"_Don't worry"_ Mr Turnip said, seeming to read her very thoughts. _"We will come up with a suitable plan. He is still a teenager with raging hormones. You will have this one done and dusted Pinkamena." _The comment caused another disapproving grunt from Sir Lintsalot.

"I haven't seen him in so long since they left for Canterlot," She told the others. "I have no idea what he's like now." She confessed with a heavy sigh. He'd always been so upstanding and true to Twilight with his only real weakness being his dragon greed. She was fairly certain that it probably hadn't changed much.

_"First step is we will have to make a trip to Canterlot to flush out his moral code and level of maturity."_ Suggested Mr. Turnip, who always seemed to have a grand scheme on his mind.

Pinkamena agreed and prepared, packing a light suit case for herself and another which included her four friends. She headed for the train, leaving Sugar Cube Corner in darkness with a sign on the door saying

"Gone crazy, back soon."


	2. Scaling up the Dragon

Chapter Two: Scaling up the Dragon

Pinkamena approached the legal affairs office cautiously. She hated the sight of the building but knew that visiting it was a necessary evil in order that she would be able to keep her crime wave a secret.

_"They just don't understand the beauty of our reasoning"_ Rocky assured her. _"They twist these laws around to stop us. They don't want you to have any friends and will do anything to stop you making them"_ Of course, by making friends Rocky meant slaying them in order to re stitch them back together and stuff them. Pinkamena had many such friends in the basement of Sugar Cube Corner, including its two former proprietors, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, whom she kept hidden in the lower room, now stuffed with permanent smiles sewn on their faces. Their two foals had been sent to the orphanage.

_"Well here goes nothing"_ Pinkamena thought to herself as she entered the building. It was a typical royal building in Canterlot, housing large stone columns, expertly carved out of white granite. A long straight row of them led through the entry way to the doors of Spikes office. She made her way towards it down the central red carpet feeling very much like royalty herself in this setting. She knocked the door and heard a deep gruff voice that she barely recognized as Spike's say "come in."

The door squeaked slightly as she opened it, revealing a plain walled office with an oak desk in the middle of it. There were several filing cabinets containing paper work related to various crime cases. Some still under investigation while others were cold cases not yet solved. The solved cases cabinet was a small wooden bureau containing very few files at all. Somepony had been obstructing justice.

Spike had his back to her as she entered; he was thumbing through the cold case drawer inspecting an unsolved murder case from a few years back. The picture in the paper hadn't lied, he was much bigger than she had remembered, now towering over her size but probably not much taller if she reared up on her back legs. He had large hulking shoulders that supported two powerful arms which rippled with well formed muscles and ended with two elongated claws having razor sharp nails at the end of each one. Those looked they were for sure up to scratch. His pectoral muscles also bulged out giving him quite a formidable and intimidating appearance. A long purple tail trailed out behind him that looked strong enough to break down trees with one mighty thrust. If he decided to use that on her she'd have to high tail it out of there. The two bat-like wings at the back of him almost hit the floor on either side and certainly looked strong enough to support his weight. Pinkamena mused that this dragon was probably an expert at fight or flight. As Pinkamena sized him up she realized he could easily over power her small frame but she was confident that her sharp mind would not be so easy to outwit.

"Hi Spikey Wikey" She said, deliberately using the term that Rarity had used for him just to see how he would react. She spotted a photo of the mare in question on his desk. 'So he still has a thing for her' she thought. _'That's going to have to change'_

"Hay Pinkie, what's up? Uhm...Are you okay?" He replied, surprised to see Pinkie Pie but noticing immediately the straight mane and tail which he knew to only happen when she was in some state of depression or distress. He gazed over at her with concern, wondering what brought her to Canterlot.

"Yeah I'm fine" she replied, putting on her best smile but unable to hide that slightly wild look in her eye that was a signature part of her Pinkamena personality.

"So is there something the Exemplar of Equestria can help ya with?" Spike said, still eyeing her flat mane, and getting straight to the point. He certainly wanted to show off his new title. He was quite proud of his promotion and something inside him wanted to impress the pretty pink mare before him. He noticed that the hue of her color was slightly duller than he remembered it, but still quite stunning to the eye, her darker mane and tail hanging in silky hot pink tresses over her neck and shoulders. Two captivating blue eyes gazed at him in contrast to the otherwise pink pony. Now that he was older he could fully appreciate just how beautiful this mare actually was.

"I just wanted to come and congratulate you on your new promotion, it must have been so _uplifting_." she said confidently. It seemed a legitimate enough reason considering how long they had known each other. Now she had to begin stage one of the testing of his moral code.

"I also wanted to ask, do you have any spare knives? Most of mine are dull" She said bluntly. It probably seemed an odd question for Pinkie Pie to ask, yet she had her reasons. Perhaps it was a bit of a stab in the dark but she wanted to know if he was willing to just give over such weapon and break rules for an old friend or would he stick to protocol. That was the real test. Spike felt slightly confused by the question. Why would Pinkie Pie want a sharp knife? Something didn't quite cut it.

"Uhm, no not on me, sorry." He said truthfully. Straight to the point took on new meaning at the mention of knives. His weapons of choice were a sword and a magically operated gun. "I can't give out weapons with the proper authorization from the Guard. Why would you need them?"

Pinkamena shifted her weight a little. So he was proving not to be the sharpest tool in the shed. He was obviously going to stick to protocol like the good dragon that he was. Test one... epic fail. She resisted the urge to facehoof.

"Well if the knives are blunt they make a mess of my baked goods and turn them into baked bads." She replied truthfully, thinking about the mess she'd made of the cutie mark she'd tried to carve off her last victim.

"Oh, so you mean just some bread knives then? I can let you borrow some if you'd like. I'm sure we have some excess ones in the mess hall." Spike told her. This seemed to make more sense to him considering Pinkie was a baker.

"I have a mess hall too! But it's more of a cellar than a hall. It is a mess though." She commented jokingly thinking about the messy, blood stained basement at Sugar Cube Corner where she committed most of her murderous acts. She gave a slight giggle before asking

"Are they sharp?" She was still trying to bait him into a response and see if he would be ready to arrest her if he suspected her crimes.

"Uhm, not really..." he replied, still feeling just slightly suspicious as to why Pinkie Pie would need such an item. He'd just been reading several cold case files about suspected murders possibly involving knives, though no bodies had ever been recovered, except for one which appeared to have been hastily abandoned by its murderer. All other cases of missing ponies seemed to revolve around the incident. "I mean they're sharp enough for anything in the bakery. Why would you need sharp knives for bread?"

Spike was determined he would solve the long mystery of the missing ponies and rid Equestria of the serial killer involved. Many of the files were missing so tracing the crime was extremely difficult. All other attempts to solve it seemed to have been a dead loss.

"Well I have lots of bread knives already and am quite familiar with them, but I don't know the slicest thing about sharp ones." Pinkamena commented.

"I mean, ponies are vegetarian. Don't know why you would need a sharper knife...?" Spike wondered, ignoring the pun as his mind ticked over. It was almost as if he was thinking aloud or perhaps probing for information. It wasn't uncommon for Pinkie to request bizarre things, but because he'd just been reading up on certain murder cases, something inside him told him that this particular bizarre request required more investigation.

"Unless, are you scared you would need one to defend yourself?" he queried as the only logical explanation he could think of. Of course, pinkie logic was an entirely different matter.

"Oh yes that's it!" Pinkamena replied, deciding that was as good of an alibi as any. She batted her long eye lashes at him, watching to see what kind of reaction a little flirting might extract. For Pinkie, her logic always made sense and she always knew exactly what her plan was even when nopony else had the slightest clue. She noticed him give her a second glance. Test two, response to feminine wiles: positive results.

Spike cleared his throat and decided that surely he was misreading that suggestive look she'd just given him. This was Pinkie Pie after all and she probably meant nothing by it.

"Alright, in that case could you just do me a favor and sign some requisition forms please?" he said, sounding as efficient as possible. For some reason he felt the need to sound mature and grown up around the pretty pink pony. It had been a while since he'd seen her and he was only a baby dragon back then. He wanted to her to know that he was now far more mature than that little dragon she use to know.

"Then I'll bring one right out for ya. Just be careful with it, these are standard-issue Combat Knives of the Royal Guard: sharp as they come." He noticed a strange glint in her eye at the mention of how sharp they are. 'Pinkie logic again' he decided 'there's no way to figure it out.' but something burned in the back of his mind from when he'd known her as a younger dragon. Hadn't he seen that glint before, just briefly?

"So just sign here and here please!" He repeated, indicating the exact spot she needed to sign. He handed her a form with a quill."

"What does the form say?" Pinkamena asked, not bothering to read it for herself. She took the quill in her hoof; somehow managing to hold it despite that it would be anatomically impossible to do so and looked at the forms blankly.

_"The signature won't matter once we've got him on side_" Mr. Turnip advised her in her head._ "We'll convince him to throw all those forms out so they won't be able to trace us"_

"The usual" Spike told her, interrupting her secret thoughts. He was sounding rather bored by now "That you take all responsibility for actions performed with the knife. That we're not liable and that I authorized giving this to you for a reason. And that stated reason is self-defense. Just need to sign and you're good. Spike then decided to add "But remember you're bound by contract, this'll prove anything that happens with that knife can be traced back to you."

Pinkamena wondered if he was trying to intimidate or bait her with that last statement. Was he suspicious or was it just protocol? She quickly signed the paperwork then with deliberate enthusiasm she asked, "Ok fork over the knife now please!" She wanted to sound overly eager just to see how he'd react. Another test.

"Of course, but Pinkie..." He said with a little hesitation in his voice "What are you afraid of? Why do you feel you need to defend yourself?" He presented the knife to her, holstered with a strap and all.

"Well there are reports all over Ponyville of some murderer around" she said, watching carefully to see if she could get some hint of how much he knew about this.

"Have you filed a report with the Guard?" Spike asked, sticking to protocol and keeping any information he had to himself

"No." Pinkamena admitted._ 'Well obviously not',_ she thought to herself._ 'not like I'd report myself_.' There was a slight titter from Rocky and Mr. Turnip at that thought and she tried her best not to laugh with them. The attempted resulted in a little pig snort.

"We should do that now then..." Spike suggested. He really wasn't sure he if should be concerned about the pink pony or not. Something caused him to still feel uneasy about her request for a knife rather than the help of the Royal Guard. "We can up patrols near your area to keep you safe too."

"Oh don't do that!" Pinkamena gasped out a little too suddenly. Just the thought of guards everywhere would certainly interfere with all her plans.

"Hm? Why not?" Spike asked, his suspicions rising again as the scales at the back of his neck started to rise up detecting that something just didn't seem to feel quite right. "Wouldn't that make you feel safer?" It was the obvious answer, why did his old friend seem so resistant?

"It would scare my customers away" Pinkamena added swiftly, covering nicely for herself, but the next stage of her testing had to come into play so she prepared herself for his next reaction.

"I should test this knife just to make sure it doesn't have any inSTABility" She said as she expertly eyed it off, already weighing up the balance of it, how sharp the blade was, how far it could be thrown and at what speed, angle and direction she needed it to go. In all honesty it seemed to be right on the cutting edge of perfection. "Can you just stand over there for me please?" she suggested, indicating with the knife pointed directly at him as if she would throw it right into him at any second.

"Or it could make them feel safer..." Spike started to say, referring to the customers, then it registered what she had just suggested... "Wait, excuse me?" Did she really just say she was going to test this knife on him?

"Just stand right there." Pinkamena repeated, she backs up with the knife seemingly aiming it dangerously at him again and looking down its sights as if she knew exactly how to wield it, which of course she did. "Move just a wee bit to the left." she said as if lining him up for a death blow.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't think so Pinkie!" He said, a little shocked but also wondering if this was yet another one of her pranks. "If you're doing what you think you're doing then I think giving you that knife was a mistake!"

"Oh calm down, you seem a bit on EDGE." She told him, as if throwing a knife at someone was the most normal thing in the world for a pony to do. "Can't you see my point? If you wiggle like that I might miss." She gauged the look on his face at that remark, enjoying the whole shock factor that she always managed to exude from anypony she suddenly threatened this way. She took aim with the knife directed right towards him.

"Pinkie, this isn't funny." Spike said sounding a little nervous, but surely it was a joke and she'd laugh at him soon. "Put the knife down or I'll have you arrested" That ought to show her that he was dead serious about his job and not willing to kid around. He said it with a very grave expression on his face.

It did show her something that she was testing for. That he would certainly be willing to carry out that threat and arrest her despite their former long term friendship. Test three complete. He would stick to the law over friendship.

"You really want me to cut it out eh? You are such a prankster!" She jested, "As if you would arrest me, We've been friends for years" she reminded him. She inspected the uneven edge of the knife before adding, "You'd actually have me incar-serrated? Now hold still or you might throw me completely off... " she warned him again just before she tossed the knife, deliberately missing him by bare millimeters. It lodged into the back wall with a loud thud that made Spike jump half out of his scales. Now that really hit home!

"Perfect shot!" Pinkamena concluded. Indeed it had landed exactly where she had wanted it to, just close enough to stir a reaction out of him. He stood there drop jawed not even able to absorb that she'd actually thrown it at him with in a hairs breath of his life. "That ought to sharpen your wits" She teased, her eyes rolling up to the ceiling as if in perfect innocence. "Just thought I'd throw that one in there"

As she moved to retrieve the knife she added "Good thing it's so well balanced or it might have accidentally hit you" Of course she already knew it was well balanced, having become an expert on sharp objects and exactly how to wield them.

It took a few seconds but Spike came back to his senses feeling suddenly angry at her for taking such a risk "I warned you!" Spike said his voice rising menacingly as he reached back, between his armor and cape to unveil a magic-fueled weapon which resembled a pistol. He wasn't going to let her get away with that. Even if it was intended as a prank the law was nothing to joke around with especially when there was a murderer on the loose.

"That's not funny Pinkie!" he retorted, still hoping that it was a joke but somehow knowing in the back of his mind that the fact she could throw it so accurately was a huge source of suspicion. "I don't know what's gotten into you but you're under arrest. Drop the knife and put your hooves where I can see them." he warned, determined to see this through and uphold his position as Exemplar.

"Oooh good thing I have this knife. Here comes one of my Assassins." Pinkamena blurted out a slight giggle in her voice at the look on his face. Of course there was no assassin she was just trying to distract him so she could make a quick escape.

"...YOUR assassins?" Spike said incredulously, not taking his eyes off her for a second. As if she needed to worry about that, she was proving to be quite the assassin herself. Could it be that here standing before him was the long sort after killer? Pinkie Pie of all ponies? How could it be true? "I don't know what the buck you're talking about, just put the knife down and put your hooves up!" He warned again.

"Calm down Spike I didn't actually hit you with it! I was just testing it. I guess you're just not cut out for this sort of thing." She reasoned with a bit of an eye roll added for dramatic effect. "I however, am a cut above the rest, and just wanted to demonstrate how much I missed you Spike!" When he didn't laugh at all she realized that she must have really butchered that joke. Test four, he got angry and worked up just as easily as he ever did but with slightly more sway now that he was big enough to follow it through. She started checking things off in her mind.

1. He'd stick to protocol,

2. He still liked Rarity

3. He responded to subtle flirting from her

4. He was willing to stick to his guns, quite literally, despite past friendships

And 5. He had a temper

Her razor sharp mind put all these facts together and started formulating a plan.

"You threw that knife when I EXPLICITLY told you not to." He reminded her, his voice rising angrily. " You've proven you can't handle that weapon responsibly and I'm taking it back, then I'm taking you in with me." His tone let her know that he was quite serious about this. Clearly all the signs were now pointing to her as the killer. "I'm not gonna ask you again, I don't know what's gotten into you but I won't hesitate to put you down. Pinkie wouldn't do this..." At that last declaration something hit home. This wasn't Pinkie, it was her alter ego, he'd met this pony before long ago, this as Pinkamena Diane Pie.

"Spike you completely missed the point! I knew I should have tried to hit on you instead!" Pinkamena stated, her crazy signature stare glinting in her eye and no longer trying to hide. "Rocky was right about you. I should have listened to him." She'd all but confessed to everything, revealing the true nature of who she was as she leaned against the back wall.

Spike loaded a nonlethal frozen bullet and aimed towards her and the hoof which carried the knife. He was quite prepared to fire at her if necessary to bring her to justice. However he didn't get his chance because just at that moment the crafty pink pony jumped through the fourth wall, calling to him over her shoulder as she escaped. "Have a knife day, Spike, It's been a real slice!" leaving a very stunned looking teenage dragon staring through the gap which swiftly closed behind her.

"Son of a..." he started to say. Of course she would do that she was still Pinkie Pie in some form or other. Spike holstered his weapon back at his side.

_'Welp, time to file a report..._' he thought dismally._ 'At least it'll be easy to track her.'_ He decided as he'd recognized the location through the gap. She'd fled to the Everfree Forest. He made up his mind that he would follow her there and single handedly bring her in. It was time to prove to Equestria that he was now a grown up dragon quite capable of doing this job well. She'd eluded every other Exemplar, but not this one. His heroic actions might even catch the attention of Rarity, who he still had a crush on. Yes, he alone, Spike the great, would bring the long time killer into custody and shock all of Canterlot with his bravery and smarts.

And that is how Spike foolishly set off alone to face the wily vixen known as Pinkamena Diane Pie.


	3. Pretty in Pink

Chapter Three: Pretty in Pink

This was it. This was the case that would make Spike's career. Pinkamena Diane Pie was a modern-day serial killing legend. Bagging her once and for all would be another notch under his belt, and just another reminder to all of Equestria why he was appointed as Exemplar at such a young age. Or so he had thought…Back there, he hesitated. With his gun drawn on her, all the evidence he needed, and clearing her alibi his hesitation cost him the catch and she managed to escape through that damn 'fourth wall' like she always did.

As dead leaves and fallen branches snapped underfoot through the lonely forest trail he wondered why he hesitated. Why he was having second thoughts on pursuing her. As he stared upon Luna's pale moon for guidance and felt the cold breeze of the night air slip through the cracks of his armor he figured it out. It was because deep down she was still Pinkie Pie. The first friend he and Twilight had met and made upon their initial visit to Ponyville so long ago. Although Spike wasn't always invited to their little adventures he still laughed, cried and lived with her. Pinkie, Pinkamena…Whatever the buck she was called these days was still a dear friend to him. One he couldn't bear the thought of turning in for incarceration…Or worse, possible execution considering the magnitude of her crimes.

It just couldn't be true, could it? That same pretty pink party pony who had always been there for her friends; always rearing to put a smile on their faces? Spike recalled a saying that he had picked up on from one of Twilight's books:_ 'Laugh, and everypony laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone.'_ Spike couldn't understand it at first, but on this barren forest road- on another uneventful Night Watch of the Everfree Forest he understand... And perhaps how Pinkamena Diane Pie was the perfect fit for this solemn quote. She was not the mare he knew and had a very different personality from Pinkie Pie.

Spike needed a smoke. Maybe he was hoping to smoke her out of her hiding place. He reached back, putting the nicotine stick to his lips and preparing to snort a lick of flame to light up when the flash of steel twinkled in his eyes and a sudden whoosh roared right past his ear like a violent banshee.

A knife flew out of no where and slammed into a tree barely missing Spike as he leaned back against a tree to light up. He saw a pink blur out of the corner of his eye and heard a high pitched giggle that could only belong to Pinkamena Diane Pie. She'd apparently been expecting him.

Spike was caught off guard by that one. Instinctively he let his cigarette fall to the ground below with a growl as he crouched low and reached back, underneath his cape now instead for his magic-infused flintlock. He selected the non-lethal ice-round loaded variant and held it defensively to his chest before aiming down the sights, searching desperately around the trees for the assailant as he saw the razor-sharp kitchen knife sunk deep into the same splintered tree he'd been leaning against. She certainly knew how to make a point. The laughter that echoed across the canopy of the forest and brought a shiver rolling down his spine were an M.O. that he could recognize anywhere.

"Ya wonderin' what Dragon tastes like, Mena!?" Spike called her Mena to differentiate this monster from the Pinkie Pie he knew. After all, 'Pinkamena' just had too many syllables to roll off the fork of his tongue as easily.

_"What am I doing? I should just take her down now when I have the chance…But maybe playing along is the best option. After all; if I miss by hesitating and she takes off again…Whose telling if she'll ever come back? She could very well take this as a sign that I can't be bought and I'll never hear from her again."_ Weighing the odds, Spike didn't like either option but decided that going along with this deadly charade was his best chance. Perhaps he could unveil her motivations.

He knew the signs by now, recognizing the knife-play and that giggle as gripped tighter to the magic pistol, holding it close with his shoulder he squared it as he searched for her. "Yer surprisingly sneaky for a pink pony!"

Pinkamena watched him with amusement from a behind a tree, enjoying every minute of the chase and stealthily remaining unseen. Spike grit his fang like teeth, not able to sniff her out as she'd craftily stood down wind.

"What are you hoping to accomplish? Isn't Rainbow enough!?" He taunted. Trying to lure her out.

"I didn't hurt Dashie" Pinkamena said truthfully with a defensive tone in her high pitched voice. Indeed she had quite an affection for the rainbow-maned pony. After all, she'd been the only one to show up at Gummy's after birthday party all those years ago. Even though Pinkamena had met Rainbow Dash with resentment that day, it was still true that Dashie had at least tried to explain the strange behavior that everypony had exhibited that day.

Sure Rainbow's number had come up as did everypony she knew, but she'd posted it right through the fourth wall and into a completely different fanfiction. After all, it didn't belong on this one. Instead she's simply seduced the cyan coated pegasus and slightly corrupted her, keeping her as a temporary ally and 'pet' for a while before finally relinquishing the contract she had on her and 'releasing her into the wild' as Pinkamena saw it. She missed her Dashie pet, but wanted her to find the happiness that she herself lacked.

"Sure, mentally scarring and drugging a Pony isn't hurting. Right?" Spike spat with his sarcasm as he took aim with his pistol around his surroundings. Following her voice and looking down the sights. Spike had put two and two together on the Rainbow Dash corruption case. Although only 20% sure that Pinkamena was responsible when he first mentioned it, her response had confirmed that it was, indeed, true. Another crime to stand against her in court.

"I'll make you a deal." Pinkamena said cunningly. "Put the gun down and I'll give you my sexy Rarity pin up. The one of her in the maid outfit." She happened to have such a picture from one of her past truth or dare nights.

"Hah, nice try. But I know the moment you do so you're gonna try to make me a Dragon shish-kabob." Spike wasn't taking any chances with this one.

"Oh don't be silly." Pinkamena said lightheartedly, the old Pinkie Pie tone rising in her voice. "Dragons are way too tough for cupcakes."

" ...Hmph. Alright Mena, I'll play" He said, hoping to lure her out. "But this better beat the other pictures I've got." He holstered his weapon, reaching back for another cigarette. Lighting it up with his own short spout of flames. She watched, noting that this was probably the extent of his fire breathing antics. Not too dangerous if you kept back far enough. Obviously he had some growing to do before he could fire out a full blast. She guessed with him around she could have her cupcake and heat it too.

She emerged out from her hiding spot and presented him with a picture. It was Rarity, in quite a raunchy pose on her couch, but much to his disappointment, she was wearing nothing at all.

"...I thought you said there would be a maid outfit involved" Spike retorted as he took a few drags of his smoke. She noted that he was making quite a pufformance of it. She wondered that since he was not yet a full grown dragon if he was smoking nick-a-teen.

"There was but she had to remove it" Pinkamena said, referring back to the picture of Rarity. Her eyes rose up to meet with his as a half smile started to creep onto her lips as she said, "So that Fluttershy could wear it." At that she produced a second photo of her former friend Fluttershy wearing the maid outfit and standing half bent over a stool with a rosy blush on her pale yellow face. This was the real fuel for the fire, who could resist Fluttershy dressed like that? It was enough to make even the most conservative Stallion perk up with interest. Of course, if it didn't impress Spike her plan would simply go up in smoke.

"I appreciate the generosity and kindness..." Spike said sarcastically. Pinkamena wondered if he was referring to the elements of the two mares. "but what's your angle?" he asked more sternly. "Just throw a knife at me, show me some smut of our friends. Have some shits and giggles?" He sounded rather annoyed as he took another puff, darting out some ashes to the ground. He was littering the forest floor and should have been ash-shamed of himself.

Pinkamena couldn't help but comply with the giggle. However, she refrained from the 'Shit' part. She had heard that he smoked and had planned for it accordingly.

"I have a better cigarette than that." Pinkamena said slyly, ceasing the opportunity. She handed him a hand rolled joint with suspicious looking green leaves in it "special blend" She said with a clandestine smile on her face.

"Oh? Didn't know you smoked..." Spike commented. "And considering these are specifically for dragons I doubt that. Ponies can't handle this brand."

Actually, she didn't smoke often, but she had a side business out of Sugar Cube Corner selling this stuff. It kept her well and truly in business. Spike took the blunt and inspected it. "I don't...Smoke these. If this is what I think it is." he said, noticing that it looked suspiciously like Marijuana. Had he just **weeded** out another criminal offence to pin on the pink mare?

"I only smoke at paaaarrrrtays, besides; I thought we could just **hash** this situation out" Pinkamena reasoned. She was disappointed with his rejection of the joint but not ready to give up yet. "Oh fine be a party pooper" She said with a little pout on her face. I guess the shit part was arriving after all.

"Tell ya what, smoke one with me." Spike said, hoping to bait her into getting high enough for him to apprehend her. She was keeping a comfortable distance away from him, just out of reach for a successful arrest attempt.

"Thought you said ponies couldn't handle it." She said back suspiciously. She was wise to his game. "Are you trying to make this party a **joint** operation?"

"Well it isn't a party if only one of us is sober, is it?" he tried to reason. The game was awwn.

"Who says I'm sober?" She taunted. Then Pinkamena grabbed a bottle of vodka from behind a tree and downed the whole bottle, glass and all. Whether there was really Vodka in it or not remained unclear.

"Fine, good enough..." Spike seemed anxious to try this weed out. He was sure he could handle himself, hopefully gain her trust, and get her off guard to nail her. "As the colts and fillies say it these days, blaze it!" He lit it up with his own flame. If Twilight had seen this, he might have been _fired_. Then he took a long deliberate drag, which was pretty easy for a drag-on.

This wasn't the first, nor would it likely be the last time that Spike had inhaled Marijuana. But even with the size of his dragon lungs and his superior tolerance…This joint hit him hard. "Motherbuck! I should have known that this was laced with something. Can't…Think…Ooooh buck!" He hadn't quite expected that effect! I guess his arrogant pride had just gone to pot.

"YOU could come in handy at my parties." Pinkamena cooed, noting how well he had lit that up. _"He'd make a good cigarette lighter"_ she thought to Rocky with an inward giggle.

"Oooh...Wow..." Spike gasped "This is good shit right here. Where did you...Where did I...? Oh...WOW!" he found the sensation a bit more overwhelming than he'd anticipated. His arrogant notion that a dragon could handle it had gone up in smoke. Now he was really living the _high_ life.

"Oh I grow my own." Pinkamena confessed with a giggle at his reaction to it. Success!

Spike's voice was of a different pitch, clearly already feeling that high and out of his right mind. Even though he now lived in snobby Canterlot, this was the first time he'd ever been _uppity_.

"Tell you what" Pinkamena said, playing her first trump card "If you over look my illegal activities, I can get you more of that" She was hoping he'd take the bait. "Though I must admit it is kind of fun having you chase me" She said with an insane giggle. She had retained some of her Pinkie Pie love for games, though her games were a bit more dangerous than the true element of laughter's.

"But alas" Pinkamena said in mock melodrama, raising her hoof to her forehead just to add to the effect. "You want to arrest me for throwing knives." Now was time to play her final trump card on him and seal the deal. She held out her hoofs saying "cuff me"

Then Pinkamena rose up on her back hooves to lean back against the nearest tree, striking a seductive pose and making sure all her best curves arched in all the right places, accentuating her sexuality and rivaling that final picture of Fluttershy quite effectively.

"Preferably to this tree" She added in a saucy voice that coo'ed and enticed its listener. "Then... I'm all yours "She suggested with an extremely flirty expression on her face. Her lips curled up in to a mischievous smile as her eyes sparkled at him. Cyan blue meeting emerald green and zapping invisible sparks across the distance between them.

Spike was blazed out of his right mind, the superego had literally turned to ashes and his pesky moral conscious had left him. Mena was pressing all his buttons and playing him like a flute. And by the looks of that pose: her lithe form silhouetted against the tree Spike had a feeling she'd be doing so literally soon. The sexually frustrated dragon felt like he had little to nothing to lose now; the sting of Rarity's constant rejection still fresh in his heart and the marijuana fogging up his mind.

"No, no, no! Spike you can't be serious!" The dying light of what was left of his moral fiber cried out. But Spike couldn't deny what his carnal flame, the feral side had been telling him. He was in love with this new feeling washing over him, an intoxication the likes of which he had never experienced before. Plus the Exemplar was no saint so that was saying something.

The air of the forest seemed to tingle with anticipation of what would follow next. Was the upstanding dragon about to become literally even more up right by talking the bait? Several forest creatures gathered around watching in wonder and asking themselves these very questions. Had Pinkamena Diane Pie successfully enticed another victim and wound them around her pinkie? The battle of the minds was not yet over.

_(A note from the two authors: The next two chapters will contain clop (Explicit adult themed sex) and possibly some course language, so if you don't want to read that, do not proceed. :D we will try to create the story in such a way that these chapters can be skipped by those who don't wish to read them and the story still make sense. We want everypony to enjoy the story in their own way. We enjoy your reviews and feed back so please don't be (flutter)shy.)_


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